i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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