i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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