Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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