the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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