My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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