I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
