I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
