Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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