i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
