im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
