you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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