why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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