We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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