the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
