i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
