There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
