Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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