my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
