If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.