I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
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This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
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i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.