all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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