she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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