love makes seman taste better
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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