I didn't shave. On purpose
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
