You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
