Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
