I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
