Sry I called you an 8
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
