he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How naked do you want me to be?
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