Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
