Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it