I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.