sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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