It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
