In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
