You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
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Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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