Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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