I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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