Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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