I want to have your abortion
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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