It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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