His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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