The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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