all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
