Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
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If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize