also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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