She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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