I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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