She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
