Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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