Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
