i just wanna soil my oats bro
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
