I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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