at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
