I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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