Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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