So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
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didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
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Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM