i don't like sucking hair
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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