I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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